Welcome to Linda's endometriosis success story!
I have thought a lot about whether I dare to write it. I was afraid to expose myself, afraid of being wrong, afraid of reading hurtful comments... but then I tried to rise above these thoughts and trust that under Nóri's leadership on the Endoblog Facebook page I have never read a scolding, never experienced a hurtful comment. Would this be a supportive, loving, open and accepting medium where everything could be discussed? Well, now we find out, I'm excited!
Because I am a reject. It's coming at me from everywhere. From my mom, my family, my exes, my current partner, my workplace, my gynecologist, and most of my friends. They used to hope that I would grow out of it and see it differently, but now, at 39, approaching 40, no one smiles indulgently when it comes to this and they find out that I don't want children. Instead, there are the constant, tactless questions, the unsolicited advice, and the scowling, h@lling, incomprehending looks.
Let me say up front, there will be no miracle baby in this success story.
Four years ago, I started having symptoms with a very strong abdominal cramp, which came out of nowhere, before that I had no problems with my periods. It hurt occasionally, but only for a couple of pills, which I absolutely thought I could handle. But the stomach cramps that came out of nowhere scared me and I ended up in the emergency room, where I was diagnosed with chocolate cysts, which I hadn't heard of at the time. I had surgery and I thought that was it, until the six-week post-op check-up, when I had another little chocolate cyst in both ovaries. From then on I had no more hellish symptoms, no more recurrence of the big stomach cramp, I lived my life with the two tiny stagnant cysts and didn't make a big deal of them, I didn't even consider myself sick.
I mean, I would have just lived if they had let me. Because the whole endometriosis thing was just fuel for the fire on the child issue.
I was very disturbed that endometriosis was not about me - the one who had it, the one who was in pain, the one who had the operation - but about my non-existent future child. I was nobody in this whole story, just a brood hen with a condition that threatened her uterus, her ability to conceive. If I mentioned that I was not planning to have a child, now or later, they reacted inhumanely, some even shouted at me in the clinic that I would regret it later and that I should accept what they said because they only wanted the best for me. I was even told once that he wasn't a woman, it hurt like hell.
I have many reasons why I made this decision, which I won't go into now, because I'm tired of explaining, and I can finally say that this is my personal matter, my personal decision. No one has seen beyond the fact that it is okay that they want what is best for me, but what they think is best for me is not.
Nobody cared what I wanted, how I felt, except Nóri, to whom I have been very grateful ever since. At first I was even afraid to log on to her site, seeing the growing number of EndoBlog babies on her website, but I loved her articles and drew courage from them. Fortunately, I realised at my first consultation that Nori was not interested in having another number on her website and she was able to support me with the same strength as those who were struggling to have a baby. We only met a few times, but those few times were enough for me to find my own way with endometriosis, I started exercising and I love it, I switched to a plant based diet and I love it and I no longer feel like I have to conform to anyone. I am in harmony and finally feel good about my life and my skin again.
Three months later, the left cyst disappeared as it is, and the right cyst shrank from 2.5 cm to 1 cm.
But that's just the physical part of my success story. My biggest success is the feeling of liberation and being able to smile from the heart again.
To all my fellow endo sufferers, I wish you a speedy recovery and a baby if you want one, and to all my fellow women whose lives are complete without children, I wish you no one to hurt you for them!
Linda
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