This is a summary article on what we mean by perinatal bereavement. These losses are particularly difficult because they occur at the beginning of life, when it is most natural for parents to experience them. Different types of loss will be discussed in more detail later on the Endoblog.
So what does the term perinatal grief mean? It includes spontaneous or surgical abortion, miscarriage throughout pregnancy, death around birth, death during childbirth, stillbirth and neonatal death. In a broader sense, I also include adoption, adoption, the birth of a sick or disabled child, and in the broadest sense, the final farewell of a child never conceived but imagined, expected or desired.
The death of a foetus or baby is a huge loss for the couples who experience it. They have to cope with feelings of shock, confusion, anger, guilt and sadness. They are often left to grieve alone, with work, friends, and family and extended family all saying, "Move on!", "He's barely alive." "He hasn't even been human yet." or the helpful, "Come on, you're young, you can still have children."
The couple can easily become isolated, as friends do not know how to react, how to help. In their confusion, they may delay visits or phone calls until it is too late to contact the couple.
This is not only the case after a miscarriage or the death of a newborn, but also after the birth of a disabled or sick child. The mother and father may experience this differently. The mother usually has the option of staying at home for a while, not working, while the father does, and may even bury himself in work, escape, distract himself, and try to occupy himself by immersing himself in his tasks. Men often feel they have to be strong and not show their feelings.
The fact that fathers quickly move on with their lives "as if nothing had happened" does not mean that they are less affected by the loss, they simply react differently. It is worth making couples aware of this, so that different coping strategies do not become a source of misunderstanding and further strain an already difficult relationship. If this is understood, resentments and arguments can be avoided. Although bereavement is a very personal experience, it is worthwhile for couples to talk openly with each other so that they can understand each other and ensure that their relationship remains supportive.
Many people believe that if the parents decide to abort themselves - either for family reasons or because the foetus is developing abnormally - it is easier for them to cope with the loss than if the baby is turned back. But this is far from necessarily the case. The couple must then face a heightened sense of guilt, with all the psychological consequences of the decision to kill their child. They do not know that they are not over the worst of it, or even over the worst of it, by having gone through with the intervention. Within the walls of the home, the deep mourning begins, with guilt, anger, disappointment, bitterness. The couple's self-esteem is damaged for life, they feel like bad parents even to their existing children, they think, how can someone who has sent another child to his death be a good parent? In the end, psychosomatic illnesses and psychological problems can plague either the mother or the father.
Unresolved, unprocessed grief can have a negative impact on the next pregnancy and on the relationship with the expected, healthy child.
If a couple is able and dares to go against social pressure and keep their sick or disabled child, or if abnormal development is discovered after the birth, this is again grief.Some interpretations of grief are that it is lifelong, as a normal bereavement in the event of death takes one to three years to process.
But the lost baby is not always within the reach of the bereaved person. In the case of the birth of an injured, sick child, even if the parents are able to cope with the initial grief of having a sick baby, life can present them with new losses. It is not a closed, immutable fact, like death, but an open-ended process of alternating hopes and losses. As it develops, new disabilities and difficulties may be revealed, triggering a new process of mourning.
Sometimes parents have to live with the knowledge that their child will not live to adulthood. It's easy to fall into the trap of carrying a sick child to improvements, miracle gymnastics, alternative doctors, while the father is constantly working, moonlighting, and reduced to a cash dispenser because of the increased financial burden.
If parents do not receive emotional support, acceptance and help from the environment, this also has a negative impact on the process. It is often the case that the couple grows apart, the marriage falls apart and the father, unable to cope with the burden, leaves the relationship. Of course, as with any trauma or loss, raising a disabled child can bring parents together as a team, supporting each other through the difficulties and being able to see the beauty and joy in life.
I will write more on the subject of adoption as a very significant form of perinatal loss, as both induce a multitude of grieving processes.The road to the decision to adopt a baby is not an easy one. The other characters in the story, the adoptive parents, also have a long and bumpy road to travel.
The fates are different, some people know almost from adolescence that they cannot have a biological child, others decide to adopt after long unsuccessful attempts, infertility treatments and assisted reproductive procedures.
Importantly, adoption can only be successful if both the father and the mother have grieved and accepted the losses of the journey. What are these losses? Failed pregnancies, miscarriages, diagnosis of infertility, assisted reproductive procedures, failed inseminations and fombies, the final abandonment of hope, all of which are experienced by the mother in her body but shared with her partner.
If male infertility is confirmed, the father-to-be may experience increased feelings of remorse and guilt, thinking that he is putting his beloved partner through these trying interventions.
Babies who are longed for, longed for, but will surely never be conceived, must also be mourned. It is not a question of mourning a specific person, but of the fantasies of the people concerned, the way they imagined themselves as parents, the way they thought about their future family, the way they imagined their desired child. One example of such a loss might be a hysterectomy performed at a young age because of a woman's illness, making it impossible to carry a pregnancy to term.
Letting go of these daydreams can be difficult and, as with all perinatal grief, it is worth seeking professional help if they become stuck.
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